SPIRIT's Diary

I've become passive because I've felt my death too much. Counselors said, "You've lived aggressively until now, so it's your big weapon." So, it's NG.     I have to become aggressive again and do anymore. But what should I do? Recently, I only drunk liquor and felt relaxed time, after I finished today's task. I hate sweating, so I should spend money for society, shouldn't I?   What will I begin? At first, should I reduce taking caffeine and begin meditation again?

My recent record drinking liquor is below: My father recommended me that I should make 3 non-drinking alcohol days a week. I've complied it, but I drunk much liquor when I decided to drink liquor. In 2ch thread, there is people occurring myocardial infarction on account of drinking too much liquor. I should be more careful because I almost drink much more liquor. Recently, I've felt been aware of my death time, because I had felt chest pain for 20 minutes and I had drunk too much liquor. Or, God was likely to stroke and weaken my heart because I had often said, that I'm likely to kill someone if my stress increased by losing weight. (Just in case, I'm a Protestant.) It seems that I'll die before I kill someone. I'm continuing to think about how I live my rest life. I want to go to Europe, but when and how will I go to it?

Yesterday, I went to church and Sunpia No Yu/Sunpia's Hot Spring. But, now too, I feel uncomfortable when I drink Monster or Tokucha. Has my heart become worse truly? Or temporary side effect of GLP-1 agonist? If my heart has become worse, it's that my lifespan is likely to be short. I said I have nothing to regret because I could do various actions and I could go to various place, including foreign country. But if I had more greed, I wanted to go to Europe. It may be early, but should I plan for the end of life? I don't know what I have to do at first. I have lived my life with "My Way". But I can become happier for future. I have to live vigorously.

Today, I went to the psychiatry and took counseling. I informed the counselor of my chest pain on Oct. 11th. The counselor said, "It was OK for you to find the reason of your chest pain. With continuing, you should monitor your chest with skipping GLP-1 agonist." I became a bit relaxed to hear his saying. The counselor also said,  "Your present task is very difficult, but inversely, you can intend to resolve such difficult task. With deciding the deadline, it's important for you to take the task with your pace." After hearing his saying, I became a bit more relaxed. In conclusion, it's important for me to take my task with my pace. I have to collect more information of my task. With skipping GLP-1 agonist, I can be likely to extend my lifeline, so I have to think more how to spend my rest lifeline. In short term, I want to go to Gogh Museum in Ueno.

I went to obesity clinic, and informed that I felt fierce chest pain on Oct. 11th. I also took X-ray and electric cardiography. But both results were normal. I had neither angina pectoris nor myocardial infarction. The doctor said that I should monitor chest pain for future. I'd been prepared for my early death for heart disease, but it seemed I was hasty. However, I have to think about both "until now" and "from now", for future. I've been happy enough because I could do almost doing and go to various places, including Singapore, Hong Kong and so on. Because of the wall of fact, many things didn't go well for me, such as the pharmacist in the pharmacy. My life has been not bad, but I can make my life better more effort I do. In short term, I'll go to Ueno and watch Gogh Exhibition in Tokyo Metropolitan Museum. It's important for me to make good life. I don't want to become like King Soga in Fire Bird Yamato Edition by Tezuka Osamu.

Today, I got bonus payroll. But what should I use it? Should I invest stocks such as Ajinomoto more, or should I take a collection for my favorite church? Thinking about it, eventually, I decided to use 60% for investment and take a collection for my favolite church 40%. I'm living by own, but I've paid money for various thing. I've understood finally since I've lived 38 years, "What I can do is only logistical support." It's also the logistical support that I buy stocks such as Ajinomoto and that I inform my president of medical information and disease. But can I use my ability, such as pharmaceutical knowledge, English and so on, more effectively? I'm a bit troubled for communicating foreigners in my church with English. Anyway, I should use pharmaceutical knowledge and English more, and should become used them.

Since young age, my agitated and inflammable personality has never changed. I don't understand whether it's for alcohol or for my original personality. But I can't be satisfied, even if I've tried to write English tweeting, English article, make videos of my speaking English and so on. But Dragon Sakura 2 said, "It's the sin that we don't make them challenge." More thinking about it, from this personality, I've challenged to various things such as English tweeting, English writing, video compilation and so on. For it, I could improve my English ability and got 840 TOEIC score. I've understood that it's the sin that we don't challenge. I'm challenging to skip alcohol every day again. It's taken 3 days since I skipped alcohol. Until now, I couldn't understand about my doing, so I had escaped to liquor. But now, I can understand my action and my ideal lifestyle increasingly. Can't I fail again?

After deciding my quotas each one day, I've been able to understand my ideal lifestyle increasingly. I can't still accomplish my quotas sufficiently. My ideal lifestyle is, "One is, that as a super staff officer, I help my president by informing managemental stratagies and information of disease and medication. Another is, that I often travel in Japan and abroad. The other is, that I inform Japanese culture such as Hakkenden of foreigners by using this blog and X(former Twitter)." For thinking about it, it's important for me to save money more. I have to waste less than 500 yens to eat and drink. Today, after going to the dental clinic, I wasted more 500 yens. I've understood I'm still immature. At first, I have to accomplish my quotas, particularly the quota about saving money. Many protagonists in Ushijima the Loan Shark is loose to spend money. But so am I. I should be careful particularly when I become hungry. I've understood that it's happy to...

Today, I went to the hospital of alcoholic department, and saw the result of my blood examination. The result was all terms was within normal range. I was happy, but it was the fact that I had sometimes drunk liquor. I told, that the reason I had drunk liquor was I couldn't understand what I was doing. Then, the doctor said, "What is your ideal lifestyle so that you become satisfied?" I've done many things, such as working, investing, and writing English in this blog and X. But I feel it's still insufficient. But as the doctor said, what is my lifestyle so that I become satisfied? Many protagonists in Ushijima the Loan Shark are bad models. But calculating reversely from them, should I think my ideal lifestyle? For my ideal lifestyle, I need all of things, which are working, investing, using English and so on. But it may be also important for me, to "Shou Yoku Chi Soku/Reducing My Greed and Knowing Satisfaction".