SPIRIT's Diary

I've been mentally unstable and can't control my emotion. So, this has been the biggest disorder to reduce my weight and my amount of drinking alcohol. When I was working in pharmacy, the evaluate of my self-control ability was also the lowest in my abilities. Actually, twice, I bored a hole in the restroom of my workplace. It has been never changed until now. I work in the workplace which understand my disorder, and live in some high lifestyle and some own assets. But, otherwise, I couldn't control my emotion, I would have slayed others and go to jail. Was my "Oya-Gacha/Parents-lots" good...? The relation of my parents was very bad, and I'd been taken physical punishments from my mother... Anyway, I think money is the tool to improve myself and contribute the society, not evil. I need some money to maintain my present lifestyle and my assets. In previous time, I said, "Earning money itself is not evil, isn't it." Some people would say, "You...

Today and tomorrow, my parents will be in Chiba. So, I'm only one in home, without interfered from my parents. Today, I went to the psychiatry to take counseling and get medication such as Concerta. Recently, I drunk 9% Chu-hai again, so I consulted the counselor about it. "Can you change 7% Chu-hai?" he answered. Anyway, today and tomorrow, I decided to skip alcohol. For future, I'll think about it in this time. If always, I go to the spa such as Sunpia Onsen, but today, I returned home earlier and I took laundry my futon. Because, recently, my back and chest have terrible atopic disease, and they are always itchy. I thought my futon had been fulfilled with allergen such as ticks. Without interference from my parents, I took one quiet day with my favorite ramen. Always, I have craving to liquor but I must bear today. Today was Sendai Aoba Festival but it was not affordable for me to watch because it was rainy.

Yesterday was Mother's Day. I bought a preserved flower for my mother, but I didn't understand whether my mother would have joy or not. So, I ran away for liquor. Before it, I drunk 500ml non-alcohol beer, but it was not effective . So, today, I didn't sleep very well, I'm very sleepy now. I drunk Monster, the energy drink. I've not been able to escape alcohol very much. Tomorrow, I'll go to alcoholic hospital. What should I say to the doctor?

About both my weight and drinking alcohol, I've become that the wheel comes full circle. My weight has come back to more than 90kg, and I had taken 9% Chu-hai and often vomited. On Second thoughts, is it impossible for me to decrease my weight? Eating is the best effective method to relieve my stress. About alcohol, I found many Abilify to be taken as needed, so I decide to take it instead drinking alcohol. Actually, I become relaxed if taking Abilify to be taken as needed. If Abilify to be taken as needed become none, I think again in this time.

"In human like lifestyle", I'm sinking into the garbage. "In human like lifestyle", I'm working like slave by nasty persons about my unwilling work. "In human like lifestyle", I'm masturbating with Ona-Hole by picking up the free porno pictures in the internet. Dammit! (By Itahashi Kiyoshi in Ushijima: The Loan Shark) This is one quote in Ushijima: The Loan shark. About myself, my work isn't my unwilling task, and my president is very kind. But, recently, I've not been able to accomplish my quotas. I've wasted over 1000 yen to eat and drink liquor. And I had drunk chu-hai again. "To increase my productivity and continue to work, I'll lose my weight and skip drinking alcohol." If I think so, I should have made my mind relieve On second thoughts, I'm easily agitated and inflammable. I'm very short-tempered and have few coordination. My personality is like “the savage beast” or “the tamed viper”. In other words, I...

Recently, I've not accomplished my quotas, such as skipping alcohol, wasting money with less than 500 yen and so on. I often drunk 9% Chu-hai, and today I vomited on account of drinking alcohol too much. Should I adjust my quotas a little, or should I continue these quotas? I'm always strain and easily become tired, so I drink alcohol to become relaxed. But from the view of long period, alcohol makes me bad of my mind. I should more relaxed, but what should I do? I may should think, that both my meaningful action and meaningless action makes me. Of course, it's important for me to write English in this blog. Just writing and speaking English may be wonderful to me. Tentatively, I decided to continue these quotas, such as skipping alcohol and wasting money is less than 500 yen.

Since young age, my agitated and inflammable personality has never changed. I don't understand whether it's for alcohol or for my original personality. But I can't be satisfied, even if I've tried to write English tweeting, English article, make videos of my speaking English and so on. But Dragon Sakura 2 said, "It's the sin that we don't make them challenge." More thinking about it, from this personality, I've challenged to various things such as English tweeting, English writing, video compilation and so on. For it, I could improve my English ability and got 840 TOEIC score. I've understood that it's the sin that we don't challenge. I'm challenging to skip alcohol every day again. It's taken 3 days since I skipped alcohol. Until now, I couldn't understand about my doing, so I had escaped to liquor. But now, I can understand my action and my ideal lifestyle increasingly. Can't I fail again?

It took 5 days after I decided my quotas in various field. Until now, About English studying: I accomplished every day within the morning. About drinking alcohol and finishing the goal at work: I accomplished and not. About wasting money to eat and drink: I couldn't accomplish at all. Is my 500 yens budget to drink and eat strict? It needs 432 yens for only Tokucha and one Famichiki. About studying English, I could make video of my speaking English within the morning. About studying, it's easy for me to accomplish my quota. But, it's difficult to reduce wasting money to eat and drink. Still, my habit I resolve my stress to eat and drink hasn't revised. By other methods, can't I resolve my stress? I'm Conservation Type (Stacking Type). So it's important for me to decide my quotas each one day. But it's meaningless if I don't accomplish my quotas. Should I make my quota, particularly about wasting money to eat and drink lower?

Today is the first day after I decided quotas in various field. About English studying, within the morning, I made the video of my speaking English, and accomplished the quota. About work...the goal may be wildest, so I couldn't my goal today. And it's doubtful that information I used is accurate. It needs more time to finish my goal. About alcohol, I succeeded in skipping alcohol today. But I should have drunken Regtect, the alcohol restraint, after every meals. About wasting money to drink and eat, this quota is very difficult, I spent over 500 yen, my budget each day. It needed 432 yen of only Tokucha and Famichiki. I compiled the result, Success: studying English and skipping alcohol Failure: Accompilshing the goal at work and spending money less than 500 yen. Particularly, it's difficult to surpress wasting money. I want caffeine when I become sleepy, so I have to increase sleeping time. There is one Dragon Sakura's quote, "Only one or two people in groups in...

Since long time, I'd forgotten that I'm Conservation Type(Stacking Type) in Dragon Sakura2. In other words, I finish to read the first book before the next book. The specification of this type is, 1. It's important to get own confidence and peace of mind. 2. Their place working and studying should become fixed. 3. They should decide quotas each one day. 4. They should inform own progressing condition of their peers. 5. They shouldn't try the high-level problems. In accordance with third principle, I decided make quotas each one day. My quotas are, 1. In English studying, I should write English in this blog or X(former twitter), or make video of my English speaking for 30 seconds. 2. In work, I should make one goal each one day, and finish it within this day. 3. About alcohol, I should drink nothing or 40g most(5% beer 1000ml). 4. About wasting to eat and drink, I should spend less than 500 yen each one day. With my smartphone, I can't write my blog...

In this late point, I don't think I want to be filial to my parents. And I can't help them buy a mansion. What I can do is just what I pretend non-poli and improve my English ability. Yesterday, my president relied on me to translate an English medication book into Japanese. I also ordered the book, but what is the concept of the English book? At this point, my position may be similar to Hizen in Bakumatsu, which aren't interest on Sonnou and Joui and just improve their militial ability. But this position may make me improve Japan as an oriened-tourism country. However, recently, my lifestyle has been disturbed again. Amount of all liquor, money to waste eat and my weight has increased again. At first, I should revise my lifestyle. Are there any method except eating and drinking liquor, to relieve my stress? Relaxing music has been not effective recently. Anyway, I must write English in this blog and X(the former Twitter) every day, at least.

Today, I went to the hospital of alcoholic department, and saw the result of my blood examination. The result was all terms was within normal range. I was happy, but it was the fact that I had sometimes drunk liquor. I told, that the reason I had drunk liquor was I couldn't understand what I was doing. Then, the doctor said, "What is your ideal lifestyle so that you become satisfied?" I've done many things, such as working, investing, and writing English in this blog and X. But I feel it's still insufficient. But as the doctor said, what is my lifestyle so that I become satisfied? Many protagonists in Ushijima the Loan Shark are bad models. But calculating reversely from them, should I think my ideal lifestyle? For my ideal lifestyle, I need all of things, which are working, investing, using English and so on. But it may be also important for me, to "Shou Yoku Chi Soku/Reducing My Greed and Knowing Satisfaction".

 As always, I've wasted my money to eat and drink liquor. So, I tried to investigate my problem. As Dragon Sakura 2 point out, I have to "What I'll do for what.", not "I do my best" . In other words, I have to think about it concretely. Well, "To make more foreigners read this blog, I increase English writing in this blog.", I said. My Problems are, "How method will I increase my productivity?" "How method will I skip drinking alcohol?" "How method will I resolve my stress successfully? “How method will I decrease wasting money to eat and drink?” If I resolve my stress successfully, I can skip drinking alcohol, and increase my health and productivity. And I can decrease wasting money to drink and eat. But for it, what should I do? In Gintama, it says that it's important to take a break and do meaningless action. But what should I do meaningless action to be able to resolve my stress? Listening relaxing music has become...

Yesterday, I drank the liquor again despite prohibiting it. But, I want to go to Funaoka Castle Park to see blossoms, and it's the critical point whether I drink the liquor in that place. On second thoughts, I have easily agitated and inflammable personality. So, my own pace easily collapses. Anyway, I have to continue to write English diary in this blog, to eventually make Japan an oriented-tourism country. It's my first own pace. As Dragon Sakura 2 pointed out, Person's most suffering time is when the result hasn't become better despite doing their own best. Inversely, this time is the critical point whether we make our own ability increase or not. If we break through, we can rush our goal incredibly. But if we stop, we'll decrease the quality of our goal. I don't care of my weight very much, but I want to stop drinking the liquor. And before it, I want to make this blog for foreigners. Thinking about this, I should skip drinking the liquor in seeing blossoms,...

Recently, I'm irritated every day. One reason may be, that I take sweatdrop more easily because the climate has become warm. I have atopic dermatitis, so my whole body become itchy. And, still, I can't believe myself and what I'm doing, perfectly. I've continued to write English in this blog and X, but it may be insufficient for me. I've begun to skip drinking liquor, and it's taken 3 days. Of course, I have to reflect that I had sometimes drunk liquor. On this weekend, I'll go to Funaoka Castle Park, to take blossom viewing. Whether will I take the liquor or not in the time? When I go to cherry blossoms in Funaoka Castle Park, Can I take good pictures of cherry blossoms and publicize this picture in this blog? It's good for me to be able to feature Funaoka Castle Park, as the wonderful place seeing cherry blossoms.

One quote of Mita Norifusa's comics is "Do it like brushing your teeth. If you don't do it, feel too uncomfortable to sleep." Particularly, in Dragon Sakura series, they said, "Study like brushing your teeth. Feel too uncomfortable to sleep if you don't study." But for me, it's difficult to do it like brushing my teeth Of course, "like brushing my teeth", I've used English in this blog and X(former Twitter). And, "like brushing my teeth", I've bought the stocks of Ajinomoto, Kao and so on. But continuing to do it is very difficult. on this Sunday, I drunk the liquor despite skipping the liquor until Sunday. It's said that it's also strong to dependance to liquor. But if continuing to do it, I've thought it's natural to it. Actually, I think it's become natural for me to use English. Because I've continued to use English. I think it's true "Persistence pays off."

Yesterday, after my work, I took liquor again. And I couldn't get up comfortably. The reason I run away to drink liquor may be that I can't believe myself. I've wasted my money to buy liquor. Today is sunny, I want to go out, but I have to save money. When I go out, I spend more money. I should believe myself. After I've read English reference and written English in this blog and X(the former Twitter), it feels naturally for me to write it. But most of the Japanese, it may be magnificent to it. I have to empower my strong point more than empowering my weak point. I've understood that it's useful for me to be able to read and write English. Recently, in Nihon TV, Sumikko Gurashi's anime begun. It may be for me to watch it and make me relaxed while studying English.

I wanted a bit stimulation, so I drunk liquor again yesterday. I had skipped drinking liquor over 30 days. After drinking alcohol, I couldn't do anything and slept after taking a bath. I had wasted my time too much. The reason I want to drink liquor may be that my president adviced me about my job and I felt more responsibility of my job. Anyway, from today, I have to skip drinking alcohol. I can spend my time without drinking alcohol more effectively than with drinking alcohol. And I've spent money too much to buy liquor. I have to save money more. Sometimes, I can't understand about what I'm doing,but my most important mission is that I do what I can do steadily. Particularly, it's important for me to skip drinking alcohol, to save money and time.

Today, I went to the alcoholic hospital. I've skipped drinking alcohol since one month, so I was praised from my doctor about this, and my doctor said, "You may enter the good-cycle." But I can't prospect when I will drink alcohol again.     However, my right eye has a cataract despite soon received surgeon my left eye. I was thinking that I couldn't read the word of PC display with my right eye, the doctor said the vision of my left eye decreased less than 0.6. He said you also need the surgeon of cataract about my right eye. But I'm straying when I'll receive the surgion. Because, in June, I'll go to, Tokyo and Tateyama, the related-place of Kyokutei Bakin and Hakkenden.     What should I do?